Why doing more isn’t always the answer and what actually helps
I’ve recently returned from a long weekend of facilitator training with a men’s organisation, honing skills to lead men through process, such as talking, breathwork, movement, reflection, sharing and being challenged.
What struck me wasn’t a lack of effort. It was how many of us, in different ways, were already trying hard to get things right.
At the same time, there’s no shortage of advice for men online.
From the rise of the so-called “manosphere” to the endless stream of self-improvement content, men are being told, often very directly, how to live better: wake up earlier, train harder, be more disciplined, take control.
And to be fair, some of it works.
Many of the men I meet in my work aren’t stuck because they’re doing nothing. They’re already doing a lot. They’re exercising, working hard, trying to be better partners, better fathers, more focused, more present.
But something doesn’t quite land.
Despite all the effort, there’s often a quiet, persistent feeling underneath: “I’m still not quite right.”
So, they double down.
More structure. More routines. More optimisation. Sometimes even therapy becomes another thing to “get right” another space where they should be progressing, improving, performing.
At some point, it starts to feel exhausting.
Not because discipline is the problem, but because of what’s driving it.
When growth becomes self-rejection
There’s a subtle shift that happens for a lot of men.
What starts as a genuine desire to grow can slowly turn into something else: a constant sense that something needs fixing.
You can see it in the language:
- “I need to work on myself”
- “I’m not where I should be”
- “I need to be better”
Again, none of this is inherently wrong. But when it becomes the baseline, it creates a kind of internal pressure that never really switches off.
No matter how much you do, there’s always another standard to meet.
And that’s where self-improvement quietly stops working.
Why talking isn’t always enough
When men do reach out for support, they’re often told to “talk about it.”
And talking can help. It can bring clarity, perspective, relief.
But for many men, it’s not the full picture.
Men don’t just process through words. They process through:
- movement
- challenge
- shared experience
- physical presence
- being alongside other men
Without those elements, therapy can sometimes feel abstract or disconnected from real life.
It’s not that men can’t talk. It’s that talking on its own can miss something more fundamental.
What actually helps
In my experience, change for men often happens when three things come together:
Structure but not pressure
Discipline has its place. But it needs to be supportive, not punishing. Something that holds you, not something you’re constantly failing.
Connection but not performance
Spaces where you don’t have to prove anything. Where you can show up as you are, whether that’s clear, confused, strong, or struggling.
Embodiment not just insight
Not just understanding yourself, but feeling yourself. Through movement, breath, presence and real-world engagement.
This is often where things begin to shift, not through doing more, but through relating differently to yourself.
A different starting point
For many men, the real shift isn’t: “How do I improve myself?”
It’s: “What happens if I’m not a problem to solve?”
That question can feel unfamiliar at first. Even uncomfortable.
But it opens up something important.
Because when you’re no longer constantly trying to fix yourself, you have more space to actually experience your life, your relationships, your body, your sense of direction.
And from there, change tends to happen more naturally.
If this resonates
If you recognise yourself in this, feeling like you’re doing the right things but still not quite landing, there are different ways to approach it.
I offer one-to-one therapy as well as men’s groups, including in-person circles and spaces specifically for men with boarding school experiences.
You can find out more here:
https://www.gardenofeadontherapy.com
Alexander is a UKCP registered child, adult and family psychotherapist – you can find him on Men’s Therapy hub here: https://menstherapyhub.co.uk/therapist/alexander-gray/
