Why Do Men Struggle with Friendship and Social Isolation?

Deep and lasting friendships are one of the biggest predictors of long-term happiness. But for a lot of men, they can become increasingly difficult to maintain as we get older.

When we’re younger, friendship happens without us having to think too much about it. We see the same people at school, university, work, football or the pub. It means there has historically been regular reasons for you and your mates to hang out.

Then life changes.

Work gets busier or people move away. Relationships become more serious and then children come along. Suddenly, seeing your mates requires finding a free evening three weeks from Thursday and coordinating four different calendars.

For some men, it means those friendships gradually disappear altogether.

The problem isn’t necessarily that men don’t want close friendships. Often, it’s that we’ve never really learned how to maintain them without something else providing the structure.

Loneliness doesn’t always look like being alone

You can have colleagues, a partner, children and people you occasionally see at the weekend and still feel lonely.

There’s a difference between having people around you and having people you feel genuinely close to.

I’ve spoken to plenty of men who have friends but aren’t sure who they would actually call if things became difficult. They might spend hours with their mates talking about football, work, politics or taking the piss out of each other, but have very little idea what’s really happening in one another’s lives.

There’s nothing wrong with banter or friendships built around doing things together. They can be hugely important. The difficulty comes when that’s the only way we know how to relate to other men.

If you don’t feel able to say, “I’m actually struggling at the moment,” it can be possible to have lots of friends and still feel emotionally isolated.

Why do male friendships sometimes fade?

Life gets in the way

This is probably the most obvious explanation.

As we all get older, our lives get busier. Careers, relationships, children and responsibilities take up time. The mate you used to see three times a week becomes someone you see every few months.

The friendship hasn’t necessarily gone wrong. Nobody fell out. You just stopped being part of each other’s everyday lives.

The problem is that friendships need some attention if they’re going to survive. And men aren’t always particularly good at admitting that.

We wait for a reason to talk

A lot of male friendships are built around activities.

We go for a pint. Watch football. Play golf. Go to the gym. Play PlayStation. Work on something together.

That can make male friendships brilliant. There’s less pressure to sit opposite each other and announce how we’re feeling.

But it can also mean that when the activity disappears, the friendship does too.

Sometimes we need to get better at contacting someone simply because we want to speak to them.

Opening up can feel uncomfortable

Many men have spent a lifetime learning, directly or indirectly, that they should deal with their own problems.

You might not consciously believe that men shouldn’t talk about their feelings. But knowing that intellectually and actually telling your mate you’re lonely, frightened, struggling in your relationship or feeling like you’ve lost your way are two very different things.

There can be a fear of making things awkward. Of being laughed at. Of someone not knowing what to say.

So we don’t say anything.

And often the bloke sitting opposite us is doing exactly the same thing.

Big life changes can leave men isolated

Moving to a new city, becoming a father, getting divorced, losing a job or ending a relationship can completely change someone’s social world.

This can be particularly difficult if most of your social life was connected to your partner or your job.

Suddenly, you realise you don’t really know how to make friends anymore.

That can feel embarrassing as an adult, but it’s incredibly common.

So what can you actually do about it?

The obvious answer is “make more effort”, but that’s not especially helpful when you’re already feeling lonely.

Start smaller.

Message the mate you’ve been meaning to contact for six months. You don’t need a reason. Ask if he wants a coffee or a pint.

If someone crosses your mind, tell them.

If you’re struggling, try saying something slightly more honest than you normally would. You don’t have to suddenly reveal everything that’s happening in your life. Sometimes it can be as simple as:

“I’ve actually been having a bit of a shit time recently.”

Then see what happens.

You may be surprised by the response.

Put yourself somewhere friendships can happen

Making friends as an adult is difficult partly because we stop putting ourselves in situations where we regularly see the same people.

That’s why joining something can help.

It could be football, running, climbing, gaming, volunteering, a men’s group, a class or anything else you genuinely enjoy.

The activity itself almost doesn’t matter. What matters is regularly being around the same people.

Friendship usually develops through repeated contact rather than one brilliant conversation with a stranger.

Organisations such as Andy’s Man Club and Men’s Sheds can also be useful, particularly if you’re looking for somewhere specifically designed to help men connect with other men.

Accept that it might feel awkward

If you haven’t made a new friend in 15 years, actively trying to do it can feel strange.

So can contacting someone you haven’t spoken to for ages.

Do it anyway.

Some people won’t respond. Some friendships won’t develop. You might go along to something and decide the people aren’t for you.

That’s fine.

You’re not trying to become friends with everyone. You’re trying to find a few people with whom you can actually be yourself.

Can therapy help with loneliness?

Sometimes loneliness is mostly circumstantial. Your social circle has shrunk and you need more opportunities to meet people.

But sometimes there’s something deeper going on.

Perhaps you find it difficult to trust people. Maybe you worry that people won’t like you once they really know you. Perhaps you’ve become used to keeping people at a distance, or you’ve spent years believing that needing other people somehow makes you weak.

Therapy can give you somewhere to explore that.

It’s not about teaching you how to make friends. It’s about understanding what might be getting in the way of connection and why certain relationships or situations feel difficult.

That might mean looking at confidence, vulnerability, previous relationships, rejection, childhood experiences or simply the way you’ve learned to relate to other people.

Loneliness isn’t something men should just have to put up with.

We need other people. That’s not weakness. It’s part of being human.

Men’s Therapy Hub can help you find a male therapist who understands some of the particular challenges men can face around friendship, loneliness and connection.