Although more men than ever before are embarking on their first therapeutic journey, there sadly remains something of a stigma attached to seeking out help for many males. Across the UK, attitudes toward men’s mental health are slowly changing, but old habits die hard. Here, psychotherapist Gershon Portnoi examines why that may be, with the help of a handy list of ready-made excuses that men often use to avoid seeking assistance or starting therapy.
I’m strong
For thousands of years, men have been socially conditioned to think of ourselves as macho, so it’s very hard to suddenly switch to being vulnerable. Many of us think we’re the strong, silent, Gary Cooper types which Tony Soprano famously lamented he should’ve been in The Sopranos – but don’t forget that Tony was in therapy for years. True strength often means finding the courage to talk, not to bottle things up.
Don’t have time
If it’s not work, it’s socialising, playing five-a-side, going to the gym, watching football, binge-watching Netflix (other streamers are available) or catching up on the DIY. Whatever it is, it’s definitely not therapy because there’s not enough space in the week to fit it in. While women traditionally tend to be more organised with their schedules, some men find it much harder to manage diary space. Finding time for your mental health is just as important as finding time for physical health.
It’s not for me
For some men, therapy simply isn’t something they see themselves doing. They think it’s for other men, or for women, of course. It’s just not something they would consider, and that’s it. It’s often said that the hardest part of therapy is making the decision to start, and for many men, understandably, pre-conceived ideas about who therapy is, and isn’t, for dominate their thinking. In truth, therapy for men can be life-changing regardless of age or background.
I don’t need help
For many men, the idea of accepting help can be very difficult. They may have been raised with a stiff upper lip mentality, where they don’t complain and just keep going, which is admirable in its own way, but also potentially dangerous, given that warning signs may be missed. Accepting the idea of getting help is a huge barrier to overcome for many of us, yet it’s often the most important step towards genuine wellbeing.
Not interested in that psychobabble
Freudian nonsense, psychobabble, call it what you like – it’s not wanted for certain men. Due to a lack of understanding of the process of therapy, and perhaps some unhelpful popular culture portrayals of therapists, some men won’t even consider the possibility of counselling. In reality, therapy is simply a space to talk openly, guided by someone trained to listen and help you make sense of things.
Cold fear
Few men would ever admit to this one out loud, but embarking on a therapeutic journey can fill us with fear – fear of finding out things about ourselves that perhaps we were happier not knowing. Often, however, therapy helps us realise that we already knew some of these ‘scary’ things but just didn’t have the space or support to articulate them. Facing that fear is part of what makes therapy so powerful.
Don’t want to peel away at that onion
Similar to fear, there’s a perception among men that once you start peeling away that onion and pull back a few layers, you might expose yourself to some uncomfortable stuff. While therapy is not a straightforward process and comes with many ups and downs, its long-term benefits often make shedding a few onion layers worthwhile.
Can’t afford it
Many men are happy to pay for their team’s season ticket, a gym membership, a personal trainer, designer clothes and stag weekends in Ibiza (other destinations are available), but committing to protecting their mental health might be seen as unnecessary expenditure. Of course, there are situations where therapy is unaffordable, but for many men, it can also be a question of priorities and whether we’re prepared to put ourselves and our wellbeing first.
Therapists are weird
A classic. Possibly due to how therapists are portrayed on TV and film, there’s often a misconception among men that therapists are odd. And in the sense that all of us humans are weird in our own little ways, it’s probably fair to say that therapists are too. However, most therapists are just like you – with partners, families and pets. In other words, we’re as weird as you.
I’m fine!
It’s extremely common for men to be unaware that they’re struggling with their mental health due to the strong coping mechanisms built up over the years. Even when some of these methods stop working, it can still be hard to recognise what the problem might be. After a lifetime spent “just getting on with it”, many men automatically respond that they’re fine – and genuinely believe it. Strong support networks, friends and partners can help us notice when we need help, even when we don’t see it ourselves.
If you recognise yourself in any of these excuses, you’re certainly not alone. We’ve all been prone to using one or two of them in our lives. If you feel that you or someone close to you might benefit from therapy, explore Men’s Therapy Hub‘s UK directory or US directory to find a male therapist who understands the unique challenges men face.
